Out Of Sorts: What Not To Watch At The Movies

Well, it’s that time of year again. The time where I take the administrator’s money, ostensibly to go see a bunch of releases and review them, that way you don’t have to see them and can just stay at home with your NetFlix queue and a bottle of lube and do what you’ve got to do. Let’s begin!

“Wild”

Okay. Reese doesn’t usually look THIS bad.

Directed by that guy who did that movie where McConaughey gets all skinny for some reason but keeps his shirt on. This one stars Reese Witherspoon, who’s been looking like 40 miles of rough road ever since she got arrested for talking shit to that cop earlier this year or whenever the fuck that was.  Talking shit to cops is pretty awesome, unless you’re a spoiled brat movie star. There is almost zero likelihood that they were going to Michael Brown her ass, although they should have for “Sweet Home Alabama” and those “Legally Blonde” movies. Nice try, Reese Witherspoon! I give this movie zero stars because I didn’t actually see it, but there was a bar downstairs, so I wrote this review on some cocktail napkins instead.

 “The Babadook”

 

The Babadook. That’s fucked up.

Directed by some chick who’s Australian(1) or from New Zealand (not the fat bearded “Lord Of The Rings” guy)(2)(3). This one’s about a book a little kid has with a spooky monster called The Babadook that knocks on your door three times and then appears under your bed. Or at least that’s what I gathered from the review in Rolling Stone that I read in the bar. (1) Australian? Even their films are criminal! Nice try, Australia! (2) Not Kevin Smith, the other one. (3) I just found out from this guy sitting three barstools down from me that neither of these things are true. The director’s name, if he slurred it right, is Jennifer Kent. I should kick his smarmy, know-it-all ass for fucking with me when I’m ttrying to review movies. –

“The Hunger Games: Mockingjay”

The Hunger Games’—I mean, ‘The Running Man’! OOPS!!

 

Phillip Seymour Hoffman, In Memoriam. Or “Memorium?” Fuck it, I don’t know. Here’s a picture of Phillip Seymour Hoffman

 

Directed by someone I never heard of. If he’s so great, how come I never heard of him? That’s the kind of circular logic that informs this critic’s reviews! I refused to see this movie anyway because the whole “Hunger Games” phenomenon is a blatant ripoff of Stephen King’s novel “The Running Man,” which is weird, because King actually wrote a blurb for the first “Hunger Games” book. Maybe he forgot that he wrote “The Running Man” under the pseudonym Richard Bachman. Nice try, Stephen King! Also, it says here that Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s in it. THAT’S BULLSHIT! Phillip Seymour Hoffman died in February of this year (still 2014 as of this bar visit) and this just came out! What did he come back from the dead just to do this stupid fucking movie?! No stars!   Anyway, I didn’t see it.

“V/H/S: Viral”

V/H/S: Viral.” I heard this skeleton guy happens in the movie somewhere.

 

 

Directed by a bunch of assholes. I don’t own a VCR so I couldn’t watch it. (insert V/H/S skeleton guy here. CAPTION: “V/H/S: Viral.” I heard this skeleton guy happens in the movie somewhere.) –

 

“The Pyramid”

“The Pyramid.” I think the guy who remade “The Hills Have Eyes” produced this, but I couldn’t tell because the font on the poster’s too fucking small.

 

Produced, I think, by that guy who did the remake of “The Hills Have Eyes.” That guy’s a dick.Also, the titular Pyramid in question has only three sides. That makes it a tetrahedron, not a pyramid, shitheads. Had I watched this movie instead of polishing off my seventh mimosa, I’d award it no stars, but rather a supernova, which is what happens just before a star dies. It glows very brightly, then collapses in on itself, forming a black hole that sucks all light and matter into it, presumably crushing it into, theoretically, anti-matter. Just like this movie. –

 

“Miss Julie”

Miss Julie. Not the chick my friend nailed, who I think is selling roof shingles or something right now. This is Jessica Chastain. Did you see “Zero Dark Thirty?

Starring that chick from “Zero Dark Thirty.” Did you see that one? It’s the one where they kill Osama bin Laden. I later heard that there were some historical inaccuracies, which is to be expected in a movie that came out only a year and a half after the actual event. And was it condoning torture? Condemning it? Was it presenting it as a morally blank slate upon which we must etch our own feelings and interpretations, drawing our own personal conclusions regarding a potentially necessary evil? So many questions. Oh, and in college my friend Shawn was in the play “Miss Julie” and he fucked the chick who played Miss Julie. But then his girlfriend caught him doing it and she dumped him so he whined like a bitch for the next two years and guess who had to listen to it? Me, that’s who. Dumbass. No stars.

 

Well, that about wraps it for this week at the movies, kids. Don’t waste your money on any this shit. Anyway, I’m late for a kidney dialysis appointment. Man, I am so wasted right now. Spare parts and broken hearts, ATH*

 

“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” —Alfred Hitchcock *

*Adam Thomas Huddleston is a seven time recipient of the Congressional Medal Of Awesome.