WARNING: A whole lot of bad language and off-color jokes follow.
Well, this is probably going to be the last thing I write for the animals at Viral Gasp this year (yes, 2014), unless I get drunk and spray paint “F U L8R” on a wall and sign the editor’s name to it, which I have every intention of doing (I believe this is called “tagging,” but I also might be confusing that with something I heard in a leather bar once). Anyway, with the approach of the New Year, your mother and I felt obliged to pass on a little bit of what I know.
And what I know a lot about is love, baby.
Look, dating is for suckers. Just be born really awesome looking and rad as shit your entire life like I was and you shouldn’t have any trouble. But not every one is as fortunate as I am, and you may have to endure the tedious, soul sucking, time vampire that is “dating” to make with the ladies. This can be expensive. Especially if you’re a real jackass and let the same one keep coming around. She’s going to start expecting things, and one of those things is you paying to entertain her. This adds up over time, believe me. And all of this shit just so she can sucker you into knocking her up and paying for even more shit for the next 18 years of your wasted life, time you’ll spend looking out your office window, staring up at an uncaring, sullen sky, and praying for the sweet release that is death. And then you’ll probably have hell to look forward to. It’s better that you just give up now. Stay indoors. Read a book. Read a shitload of books in fact. Whatever you do, don’t read one of those dumbass books on dating like “The Rules” or even “The Secret.”
Okay, it’s obvious you’re not going to listen to me on this. That’s fine. You’re young and think you’ve got years ahead of you. That you’ve got life by the horns. Well, don’t let me stand in the way of your unhappiness, you ungrateful little skidmark. But at least so you don’t embarrass yourself on one of your “hey, let’s stay in tonight!” dates (i.e., you don’t feel like paying for her dinner), inevitably you’re going to watch a movie with her. (If you read a book on a date that doesn’t involve the Kama Sutra, you should be run out of town like a truckload of rancid mackeral.) This is easy and cheap! However, to increase your chances of taking her horizontal dancing later, here are some skin-crawlingly obvious titles you should avoid.
10. The Hills Have Eyes (original or remake). I’ve actually seen both versions (Wes Craven’s 1977 version and the Alejandro Aja 2006 remake) about the same number of times, yet I seem to remember the remake more so. They’re virtually identical, just one doesn’t suck quite as bad as its remake (I’m not going to say which one). Also, I only saw the Director’s Cut of the 2006 remake this last summer, which my brother warned me about as it had a pretty graphic rape scene in it—he said. I did see the movie, but I didn’t remember the rape scene being all that graphic or rapey. It’s possible he delineates what constitutes “graphic rape” along a different rape graph than I do. Anyway, both versions are about a really dumb family with two hot daughters who go on vacation in the middle of the fucking desert and get attacked by a family of cannibals. And there’s a “graphic rape” sequence. Pfft. Whatever.
Actually, there are sort of two in there, but I wasn’t counting, so there might have been three, I don’t remember. Anyway, if you show this to a girl and she likes it, she’s fucked up and you need to get the hell out of there. Even if you’re watching it in your apartment. Fuckin’ bail, man. Climb out through a window under the pretenses of getting something from the other room (if you have a taser, get one), then sublet the place to someone else and let them deal with this.